Waiting with God..

I asked Rheanna recently if she remembered moving in with us, and the reason why. She said she knew it was because Willie was dying, but she never thought he would. I guess most of us felt the same way. He kept going, kept smiling, kept strumming on his guitar...against all odds he was still with us - a few years longer than I'm sure the doctors predicted, after they discovered the biggest craniopharyngioma known to 'medical history.'...

The last bank holiday in May 2008, Amy was 'in situ' so I escaped for the day with my family. I have no recollection of what we did, but I recall sneaking into 'the room' (we never did officially name it)..for a bedtime cuddle. Amy had not long left.. about 10pm... Zoe said they had enjoyed their day, but Willie hadn't been too well.

I scooped him up in my arms and cradled him like a small baby. Immediately I sensed things had changed. Willies body felt stiffer than before. An unusual stiffness like he may snap in two if you held him in the wrong way. It was the first realisation that Willie might actually leave us. Rheanna was right...did any of us think he would be granted his wings? It hit home hard, my heart sank as I tried to hold him gently, never wanting to let him go.

Lying him carefully back on the bed, I gave Zoe an extra big hug. We exchanged 'knowing' glances and I walked reluctantly out of the door to go to bed. Zoe was being so incredibly brave, she never faltered for a minute, keeping strong every step of the way. A mothers love..solid and dependable..Zoe still ensuring her son and daughter enjoyed life as much as they could do in the circumstances..never giving up , not for one moment. The expression on her face was tranquil,peaceful, accepting that this was the next step, it was inevitable..and she would give her whole being to see it through as best she possibly could. She was not thinking about herself and what she felt, but this was still Willies time. It was about him and Rheanna..a mother's selfless love.


 I checked on all my sleeping boys in their various rooms (what age do you actually stop doing that?), and finally I peeked in to see Rheanna..she was sleeping fast..in her usual position - upside down, quilt in a heap and pillow fallen on the floor. I had a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my cheeks. My heart torn in two imagining how this vivacious and bubbly girl was going to cope with losing her baby brother. Rheanna was steadfast in her love for Willie, she adored him for who he was, at his celebration of life she bravely stood at the front and talked about how she was glad Willie had a tumour, because that tumour made him who he was, and she wouldn't have had him any different. Brave and wise.

 Like all siblings patience wore thin at times, but after all they had been through their love for each other was deep. Willie idolised 'Rara' his big sister, he was sad when she wasn't around, and got excited when she came in the room.He loved her to read books to him. Sometimes he would revert back to the 'old Willie' and tell her to go away..but that definitely happened less.


Their relationship developed with a new maturity in those last few weeks. Rheanna happy to take second place, merged into the background giving her mum freedom to be there for her little brother on his final journey. At eleven years old, I'm not sure how much Rheanna took on board what it would be like to lose someone you loved . As a child we cope in different ways to adults. Immersing herself in the 'Smith' chaos helped her to live a busy existence where there was little room for fear and anticipation.

School life had continued...homework completed..Rheanna was a bright and intelligent child and is currently sitting her AS levels with predicted high grades. She loved reading books, and would often take one to bed to read before sleeping. Rheanna was made of strong stuff, maybe building up a resilience to feeling sad over the years living with her ill brother and her disabled mum. She was very brave and would pray with me for Willie to either be healed or for Jesus to grant him 'his wings', we
both trusted in Jesus to make the right decision for Willie.

I remember one night in particular she got very tearful and asked me what I thought Heaven was like. We hugged, prayed together and she relaxed and went to sleep peacefully. There may have been other nights she cried herself to sleep, but mostly she appeared settled and relatively happy. Once she was upset because she knew after Willie had gone to Heaven they would be moving back home. I guess none of us could blame her. How sad to be moving back without your brother, moving away from a busy , lively household to a very quiet one. Bless her.

As Willie got weaker you would often find her snuggled in bed with him, lying quietly, stroking his curls, whispering in his ear....Zoe often curled up to - the three of them as one. Sometimes David would try and squeeze on the bed to, a family 'waiting'...together.

That night I closed Rheanna's door quietly and got ready for bed. My heart sinking, feeling desolate
and helpless. I climbed into bed next to Pete who was already sleeping...thankfully as I didn't feel like talking, I was too choked up.

I lay there gone midnight pondering, praying. Like a wave of emotion I felt our bedroom fill with a strong sense of 'angels' - please do not ask me why I thought they were angels, but it felt as if the room
was filling up with them, more and more. I remember thinking - they are coming for Willie..should I
go downstairs to be with Zoe? I didn't feel led to go. Maybe God thought it would be easier if Zoe was sleeping when He took Willie by the hand...so if I went down I would wake her..I lie very still as the sense of overwhelming joy swept over me. The feeling got very intense - euphoric...there was no earthly word that described the incredible emotion, but it was beautiful beyond belief. As the room filled More and more I started to believe they were coming for me, not Willie after all.

I looked at Pete sleeping soundly by my side, I pictured our four sons sleeping in their beds, Andrew
only 9 at the time, and yet this indescribable feeling was out of this world, and I felt I would have gone willingly...and trusted Jesus to take care of my family. Slowly the emotion and power in the room subsided gently...I was still here, but I was unsure about Willie, I really didn't feel I should go and investigate....I just felt immensely peaceful, as though God had given me a tiny taste of Heaven. By His incredible Grace I do believe it was a gift - this was just a snippet of what was in store for Willie, how could I be sad? I had a huge contented smile on my face as I fell asleep without fear. Thank you Jesus for that amazing insight...if that's what Willie had experienced over the past few weeks, no wonder he prayed with such wisdom. It felt by all accounts 'a taste of heavenly realms'..

I have pondered whether or not to share this experience with you. I have no idea where this sits biblically, I can only retell it as it was...I do hope you you accept it for the reassurance God wanted to give me to trust in Him even more - to be happy for Willie when he got his wings. It transformed my mind, the inevitable was drawing near, even though I would miss my best buddy, what a gift to have an 'sense' of the overpowering love waiting for him in Heaven.

I am in awe at the way God prepares us, He is a loving and caring Father in Heaven. The Lord had been equipping me every step of the way, and this truly strengthened me to be able to support the family as we all headed to the inevitable - It transpired that this experience happened exactly 7 days (almost to the hour) - before Willie was granted his long awaited wings. Thank you God for giving us what we need, when we need it. Amen x