'Annie Poppins'

On my Christian journey I have learnt that God has a sense of humour, He also likes to show His Grace and Mercy by putting together a team of 'misfits' to serve Him. I love how The Lord spends years gathering His people..'for His purpose to perform' ...

 I was speaking to 'Annie' this morning and she reminded me of her reflections of her part in Willies journey. She had an inkling as you do when The Lord is preparing your heart to follow His plan, but pondered on what that may involve.

She recalls thinking 'I know I will have a part to play in Willies life but Lord I have no idea how I will fit in...she knew she couldn't maintain a hands on approach, and most certainly couldn't take in any lodgers and at the same time remain married...the thought of working alongside me freaked her out...we are poles apart, I'm totally disorganised, messy, too chatty and often away with the fairies. This lady knows me well :) Annie on the other end of the spectrum is minimalistic, no clutter, in mind or home, organised , diligent and an elegant and beautiful lady. The two things we have always had in common are our Christian faith and a son the same age.

Anne and I have had a connection through Church and with our boys for nearly 15 years. We have run Alpha courses together,  house group, supported each other when the need arose, and have been bound in The Love of Christ despite our different characters. Anne loves everything and everyone to be in a 'box'..and is comfortable once she recognises the box they are in....it gets a bit scary therefore when someone or something gets out of their box! As for me I don't stay in one box but move frequently and rapidly between many boxes..usually leaving a trail of clutter leading from one box to the next, .so not the first choice of a comfortable friend for Anne. I thought she was very posh with a lovely warm smile..well she is a bit posh.

However with the Holy Spirit filling Anne to overflowing, by His infinite Grace, God over the years has been building a stronghold between us out of several boxes, bonded together by His Love, using different experiences. Anne no longer flinches if I approach...I can only jest,  and paint this picture of our deep friendship and how it has evolved because we experienced a moment in our lives that was so profound and most definitely not in any box - that we are deemed sisters 'in Christ' for Life. Neither Anne nor I were aware of the significance of this detailed preparation that had been going on for so long - It is a very good job that we do not know what plans God has for each of us..I think if He had sat us both down for a coffee and showed us what was in store, we would have both run very fast in the opposite direction. I will leave you with that thought for a few more blogs, and reveal the mission we took part in as it fits into the bigger story.

A few years ago visiting The model village at Beckonscott with Anne and a few children, she burst into song, reminiscent of Mary Poppins, and sang her way around the mirage of small houses, model fairgrounds and a working train network, any rail company would be proud of. Since that day I renamed her Annie Poppins, which is the name Willie called her.

Over the years of walking with Willie we bumped into Annie lots...in school...or when we popped into her lovely tidy house for a coffee -to  play with Johns toy kitchen and have a chat. Occasionally we would drop into 'Little Quavers' the under fives music group her and her good friend Liz still run regularly. Willie in the latter weeks loved to go into the group, but because he tired easily we would just stay 20 mins. Enough time for Annie to come over and make him giggle. I would sit on the floor, cuddling him between my legs and he would lie still with a contented smile on his face. It didn't matter to Willie where or when we saw Annie Poppins, he adored her. Anne has a gentle soothing voice whether speaking or singing. She also has a great imagination and a witty sense of humour. All of these parcelled into one lovely 'angel' - placed her high on Willies top ten list. I keep saying top ten, but there were so many lovely souls that walked the walk with Willie, it may be a top 20. Julia Winfield, Amy Cope, Kerry to name but a few that I also want to share about.

Anne also walked closely with Zoe, helping her to organise her cluttered house. Zoe didn't have much time or inclination through weariness to sort and tidy. Anne would go round for a few hours with gentle patience to help cajol Zoe to give the less used toys to charity, box up those with sentimental value for the loft and throw out all those 'bits' that don't appear to belong to anything but you hang on to 'just in case' you may need it or manage to pair up a small nut with the original screw. It was an emotionally exhausting time - but really helped Zoe's lounge turn from stacked chaos to appealing toy room.


Here is a a poignant photo of the crazy pair, in the park just weeks before Willie got his wings. As Anne said if she had known this was going to be the last cuddle, she wouldn't have let him go. The heart of this little soul ensnared us all, with his angelic face, cherub curls and wicked giggle! Anne had attained 'best buddy' status long before this cuddle, and I'm so very glad we bumped into her that sunny day. Apparently the little monkey was busy putting cut grass down the back of Annie's jeans with the hand you can't see!

If The Lord puts someone in your path and you cannot imagine ever being friends with them. - prepare to be overwhelmed with how it pans out...I thank God on behalf of Willie for the wonderful 'Annie Poppins'.

Life settled down fairly quickly, Zoe and Willie enjoying quiet times in the converted garage, Willie slept on and off during the day. We were beginning to understand what 'fading' away actually meant and realised it was an apt description. Their quiet times were interspersed with visits from numerous people floating in and out. Some were their friends, social workers, helpers and Teaching assistants, others the many relatives and friends of our family.

Pete and the boys adapted incredibly well, mostly continuing life as normal and ignoring all activity in 'west wing'. We did let Zoe and Willie out occasionally lol...they had the run of the house and our small back garden. Willie loved coming through to the kitchen to sit and eat his dinner amidst the hub bub of the Smith household. Rheanna was excited and happy to be living in, and quickly adapted to being part of the 'Smith household'  with regular visits to her mum and brother. Rheanna recalls being aware of the reason they had moved in with us, but didn't think Willie would actually die. He was relatively well, and seemed content and happy - definitely didn't look like he was going anywhere soon.

We had two golden retrievers at the time and although Willie had never been fond of dogs, he loved Rosie the elder one, and tolerated Poppy who was a bit more boisterous at 4 months. Rheanna on the other hand adored dogs of any shape, size or age and idolised both of them. They were both gentle and loving. Rosie at 20 months sensed there was something wrong with Willie. Whenever he sat at the table his little legs would dangle over the edge of the kitchen chair. Rosie instantly would park herself Under his legs like a long footstool. There she would lay without moving an inch until he left the table, her job done. We never encouraged her to do this, it was her natural loving nature to help out where she could. It was a big help and Willie loved his footstool and respected her - never kicking or moving his feet around. They became very close in those last weeks, Rosie often found with her head placed carefully in his lap or standing quietly beside him, as if she was his protector.

There was no cooker in 'West wing' so Zoe had to come through to our kitchen to cook. It was a busy household, much going on, many bodies to feed - I offered to cook for them to but Zoe had a very specific way of cooking organic food. With our mob it was too costly to feed organically, so we often
Cooked alongside each other..which was enjoyable. Willie loved my homemade chips and every so
often Zoe relented and let him have a small plateful. Sprinkling on lots of salt, there were poignant thoughts of...it's not going to hurt him now, let him enjoy the moment..that boy loved salt!

Zoe had always ensured the children ate healthily and she kept that up to his last weeks, the juicer
grinding up the raw fresh organic produce to give them a vegetable smoothie. I did refer to it as
'swamp' juice as it looked like something Shrek would have been proud of. Willie loved the name - possibly more than the juice, but he dutifully drank it without complaint. Rheanna however was more akin to running away when being offered a glass of swamp juice. Eventually she would return and drink it to please her mum. I'm not sure I ever did taste it lol. I think I missed an opportunity to convert to healthy eating whilst they were with us.

 I found a video, taken when my niece and nephew were staying with us, and my sister and her children were due to arrive..The joint Tesco delivery for Zoe and for all of us topped £500! I think the expression on the delivery man's face was not one of amusement. It was such a big event - Zoe filmed it. I cannot get it to load properly, but it will give you a taste of how the Lord provided an excellent team of helpers. I pay tribute to my family who did give so much of themselves, and tolerated a feast of activity for those nine weeks, mostly with a smile. Writing this I don't recall too much of our lives during this time, so I guess Pete and the boys were probably neglected fairly significantly by me.

Mayhem ensued as more visitors continually came and went. Amazingly Zoe coped really well with the hustle and bustle. She enjoyed most of it, and definitely preferred to be amidst the crowds rather than struggling at home alone. It helped keep us all buoyant and Willie loved it. There were so many new people to meet, new voices to decipher, new jokes to be heard, lots of new smells. As many of you may know when one sense disappears, the others are heightened. Willies sense of hearing and smell definitely sharpened up once he lost his sight. Often I would tiptoe into their room, gesticulating carefully to Zoe to see if all was well, and ask if he's still sleeping....before I finished mouthing the words "is he..." A little voice would blurt out excitedly .."Miffy". I will never know if he heard me (distinctive footsteps) or smelt me (distinctive ...hopefully not too bad) smell. I don't wear perfume regularly so not sure what identified me, but he was spot on every time, even from the deepest of sleeps. There was something very special about being recognised so
easily, I loved the bond we shared, it chokes me up writing this, remembering going over to him
sitting on the edge of the double bed they shared, holding his hand gently as he sat bolt up right to chat to me. Bubbly, vivacious full of chatter, he would often start with "did you know..."

I did feel a bit guilty at waking him up though. Once awake he would want to go for a walk round the house to see who was in, or to go out into the sunshine and lie with the dogs on the trampoline...saying "Poppiiiieee" in a tone that sounded like he was reprimanding the puppy as she tried to lick his hand. Or "Roosssiiiee" he would giggle gently pushing her away, as she tried to cuddle up right next to him. You could so easily forget he was blind, he acted as though he could see everything and everybody.

Glendale Church

1 Corinthians 12:12-26

12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ.¹³For in the one Spirit we were all baptised into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.

14 Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵If the foot were to say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body’, that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear were to say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body’, that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰As it is, there are many members, yet one body. ²¹The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’, nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ ²²On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³and those members of the body that we think less honourable we clothe with greater honour, and our less respectable members are treated with greater respect; ²⁴whereas our more respectable members do not need this. But God has so arranged the body, giving the greater honour to the inferior member, ²⁵that there may be no dissension within the body, but the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honoured, all rejoice together with it.

Glendale Church was a huge part in Willies life. For the five years I had been 'walking' with him, he often came with me and Rheanna to a Sunday service. Church is not a building but a family, a body as in the above Biblical passage. When one part of the body is hurting then all the body hurts. Glendale were my rock along with God as they covered me in prayer when I was with Willie and his family. They were brilliant at SOS requests going via a telephone system, texting and calling if urgent prayer was required. Their prayers were invaluable and precious, and I believe a huge part of the journey and Willies increased faith. When you are on a 'mission' it is so important to have that solid back up. Without which we would be weary and useless as we have no time to remember to pray for energy and wisdom in intense situations. I shall be eternally grateful to the church I belonged to for 26 years. I could not have continued with this privileged position without them.

Glendale is a local evangelical alliance church started over 30 years ago by a collection of couples God had bought together. The Ethos of the Church was to adhere strictly to Biblical teachings and to 'love' everyone as Jesus first loved us. All these years later the congregation has grown from about 20 to an average of 150 people regularly attending the Sunday services. 2 of the original couples are still in service as Elders (with their beautiful wives) and even though there have been a couple of changes over the years, the eldership has been a strong foundation for the incredible church that exists today. One of the elders now in Heaven with His Saviour - encouraged many to join with his famous 'hug' for all that walked through the door, One of the wives' legendary flapjack got me Hooked!

Willie loved Glendale, Glendale loved Willie. At the time church was held in a local secondary school, Park House. Willie loved being greeted warmly by everyone, in particular he loved the guitar players and the band in general. He got to know many friendly faces including the lovely Janet Wills..crazy woman on fire for God..amongst many others. He did not like sitting still and listening to anyone speaking.

This meant once worship was over and the 'boring' bit kicked in..we wandered around the various children's groups saying hi, then outside to kick the fallen leaves, pick up stones or play in the sand of the long jump. In winter I have fond memories of us joining the teenagers led by Dave and Hayley Clarke having a snowball fight. Even though Wille was blind he knew the voices of the youngsters and adored Megan and Sarah Bullock amongst others..and even laughed when he was hit by a softly thrown snowball. That morning outside in the crisp snow was precious...the youngsters had time for him, he felt included and loved. Inspite of no vision he was able to be part of a group activity safely.

As Willie got progressively weaker in the latter few months I would push him in his pushchair to the front of church. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he laid back and listened to the choruses - beautiful melodies that filled you with joy and hope. The Holy Spirit often filling you with love overflowing. One Sunday Zoe was with us and saw Willies tears and asked me to take him out as she believed he was upset due to the loud music.

As Zoe was upset, I obediently pushed him out into the corridor away from the blare of the music. Once
outside in the quietness Willie spoke with a desperation in his small voice "I want to touch Jesus, please can I touch Jesus". He had been filled with the Holy Spirit, his tears had been genuine tears of joy. I bent down and held his hand . "Willie hold out your hands and Jesus will touch them, He will grasp your hands and never let them go, He will walk with you holding your hand every step of the way."

I was confident of this as my experience after losing our baby had taught me that's how it is. First I felt Jesus held me high above His shoulders then put me onto His shoulders, then on His hips until finally after a few months I knew He was about to put me down on the ground. I remember being afraid but I needn't have been because when that time came and He placed me back on Terra Firma He grasped my hand gently and today all these years later that's how we walk together daily, Jesus
walking with me holding my hand.

Willie calmed down and put out his hands, and smiled peacefully as he imagined Jesus taking them and holding them gently. This was so precious. Willie had such a real relationship with Our Lord - the evidence coming think and fast as the days passed and Willie got weaker. Praise Jesus that He was able to comfort Willie in the unspeakable and unknown depth of pain his tumour gave him.

Although Zoe did not share our faith, she did love being welcomed by the lovely people of Glendale, and felt relaxed and at home.They would chat to her and pray with her - or just be an ear to listen. I know that Zoe felt loved by many. Among Zoe's favourites were Jim Toothill and his dear wife Doreen the 'mum and dad' of the church at that time.

In all this time I never once heard Willie complain to Jesus, or to pray for recovery, to take the pain away - or to have his vision back. Willie only ever wanted to be with Jesus, to see Him face to face. He had an understanding that this life was temporary and there was a more beautiful existence to look forward to. This was incredible as it was only ever from within Willies heart, mind and soul -  not from another human being.

People often wondered or suggested that we should pray for a miracle for the brain tumour to vanish completely. I know that The Lord is capable of that if He wanted to do it. Ste, one of our congregation could testify to that as The Lord had miracuously healed his mum of a brain tumour,that astonished the medical team and it is duly noted as a 'Miracle with no explanation' on her medical records.

But I never felt prompted to pray for that, and if its in God's Will somebody would have stepped forward to pray especially for healing on this earth, as they were led. It was included in our prayers naturally that if it was in God's plan then please heal Willie completely, but Willie himself was leading the way forward with his desire to move on.

A neighbour of mine had died at the age of 39 on my 39th birthday. I pondered on this with Jesus. "Why Lord do some people live to 100, some only 5, some 39...why Lord?" In reply He gave me a vision. A beautiful blue sky, still blue ocean joining seamlessly in the sunshine. One small drop of water falling slowly, glistening in the sun - God spoke to my heart saying our lives are like one drop of water, eternity is all the drops of water in the ocean, unmeasurable and forever changing. if we on earth see that we only get a quarter of a drop or half a drop then life is cruel and unfair, yet what we gain in the zillion drops of eternity is far greater, but we cannot see that until we are there...forever. We only see what we do not get, not how much more we will enjoy. It was 'the bigger picture'. This does not take away the sadness and pain we feel when someone dies but hopefully fills us with a hope for a future beyond our comprehension and understanding. God say to me 'do not question but trust'.

Glendale continued to pray for the family. Willie and Rheanna were dedicated into the church in an emotional service, a couple of years before he died. Rheanna loved going to Sunday school and made many friends. She would bounce in, smiling and happy to church and would love to sing the worship songs. I loved standing with my arm around her, united in love and by The Grace of God. Circumstance  had joined us like surrogate mother and surrogate daughter, a special bond that remains, a special love like no other. I'm so proud of Rheanna and grateful to God that He continues to have His hand upon her. She is now taller than me so no more standing with my arm draped around her shoulder, more like her hips lol.

The support from Glendale was invaluable throughout and beyond. Pete and I received a generous voucher for a meal out together as they felt we were giving up a lot of our time together. Food was bought round in abundance when Willie and family moved in with us, especially the last few days when they knew |I didn't have time to cook, yummy South African treats from the Van Zyls and Botha's - delicious fruit cake and flapjack from the lovely Decima, and so much more..from so many of you.Through the church and other special friends we had so much support..God really did provide all that we needed, all of the time.

In his final weeks, many visited to pray and entertain, Micah often popped by on his way home to say hi and pray with Willie. He loved Micah's sense of humour and valued his prayers. Jason and his wife Jodie...well they were the stars of the show..more of their exciting input to come..

Together with Christian friends, family and the many teachers at St Marks school who shared our faith they combined into a family that supported us, prayed for us and loved us always - Thank you each and everyone one of you, I thank God for you all.

 I also Thank God for all those not of the same faith that were also invaluable on our journey, for your prayers and acts of true unselfish kindness. This blog is not to say anyone is anymore important whether they believe or not believe - but to give thanks and acknowledgement to our Church for all the support and love they provided for us all. I think I'm tying myself up in knots here but to all those that know me you will understand my take on this without offence...I hope!

Gods plans...

Following on from mums amazing exit, I reassured Zoe that The Lord would undertake when Willies time came. I had complete faith that God had an awesome plan for Willie...not only was I not disappointed but 'overwhelmed' would be a mighty understatement. I have sadly witnessed a few people that I love on their final journeys and I realise the plans are intricately matched to their situations - I have been blown away so many times at the incredible way The Lord walks hand in hand with the beautiful soul waiting to join Him in eternity. it's Good Friday and a stark reminder to me that Jesus himself did not have a nice passing into Eternity but a horrific death on a cross - to save us from our sins, in our place. I know some people have not experienced these amazing journeys and I cannot answer the mystery of how, why or when. I did feel  the Lord was constantly preparing us for what lay ahead.

Willie was still only the size of a four year old so could be easily carried around, but sadly as you know, not by Zoe, his mum. She was therefore petrified as he got weaker, that she would be unable to care for him 24/7 even with the au pairs help. I constantly reassured her and reminded her of how God's plans for mum worked out and even though I had no idea how God was going to sort this one...I knew with all my heart he would do.

 I love the way God works. I was praying in faith and I was grateful that He did not enlighten me as to what He had in store. If He had, I would have run a million miles in the opposite direction. From experience I know The Lord gives us enough Grace for the moment. If He had given me a preview before I was filled with sufficient Grace I would have been afraid...very afraid. Praise God that we have no idea what's coming - Thank you God that we can trust without knowing.

I would have come up with a zillion reasons why His plan would
 a) not work
 b) my husband would leave me
 c) I would have throttled Zoe after 24 hours of her moving in. (Or she would have throttled me...we are so        very different. I definitely snore louder.)

 But as you know He said "my ways are not your ways." And Thank you God that they are not, what boring lives we would lead, as we tried to devise 'sensible plans'.

Zoe naturally continued to worry as Willie got more tired. He was asking more and more "When will Jesus give me my wings so I can fly to Heaven". This question was his most common one, I have no idea where he got the notion from that he needed wings to fly to Heaven, but who was I to correct him. It was a poignant way of letting us know he was ready to move on. As he had told Julia his Teaching assistant earlier - "I'm ready to go to Heaven." As someone without a religious faith Julia was taken aback by such a clear vision from her star pupil. It sent her into uncontrollable sobbing, whilst Willie continued chatting to those around him unperturbed.

I continually reassured Zoe and tried to help her have faith in my faith. I can truly understand how hard it must have been for her - someone saying 'it will be ok, God will provide'..when she wasn't entirely convinced He existed at all. Her thought was their only option would be weeks/ months in a hospital or local hospice, both of which were not an ideal option in Zoe's mind. To imagine watching your son 'fade' away in a hospital bed, with the hustle and bustle of the busy wards, strangers passing by, rules and regulations was too much to bear. I could see Zoe getting more and more depressed as the weeks passed by. The sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, dreading losing a child so young is bad enough, without the added pressure of not being able to care for them adequately yourself.

My husband Pete took off for his annual hockey tour to Prague at the beginning of April 2008. What happened next was quite surreal. I had offered to have Willie overnight so Zoe and Rheanna, then 11, could have some much overdue quality time together. On the Saturday Zoe rang to say Willie was particularly low and not well enough to come for a sleepover. I took Rheanna instead, much to her delight. She loved Zoe but didn't like missing out on a sleepover 'chez The Smiths'.

The following morning I rang Zoe to see if she was up to a Church visit. Willie apparently had got worse during the night, and Zoe was in tears of desperation. I went round to have a chat and see how I could help.
As I walked in Willie shrieked 'Miffy' from the lounge, I went in and bent down so he could hug me with those chubby arms tight around my neck. 'Please take me home with you', he pleaded in a very sad small voice, 'Please Miffy'.

I chatted to Zoe for a few minutes, both of them were so low, so depressed it felt like a dark black cloud looming over the household. I knew I had only one option. I gently put Willie on the settee, turned to Zoe and said "Pack a few things up for a week, I'll be back in an hour".

Zoe was too exhausted to argue. I went straight home, looked into the kitchen/lounge that was converted from our old garage for mum. Could I squeeze in a double bed? it was very narrow. Tom was looking after, Andrew, Rheanna, and Joshua somewhere in the house.  Simon was away for a few months. I had little time so I phoned Micah - a young man from Church who lived locally. Thankfully he hadn't gone to Church that morning. I explained I needed manpower quickly. He grabbed a neighbour on the way, and arrived within 10 minutes.

I was directing anyone willing to carry, push or pull furniture, objet's d'art and bedding in a flurry of mad removals. The lounge/kitchen became a bedsitting room for Willie and Zoe, complete with own kitchen for making of organic dishes and swamp juice (fresh vegetable smoothies that I nicknamed according to appearance). The settee went into our conservatory, the makeshift conservatory furniture dumped in the garden. Rheanna was given a bigger bedroom, next to ours in case she needed me in the night. The boys moved around to accomodate their needs. Thank God we live in a Tardis.

Satisfied with the results and trying very very hard not to think about how I would explain it to Pete - I went to collect our new house guests. I confess to agreeing to one week only as we had visitors due the next weekend so I warned Zoe she may have to move back after a rest. This was the human side of me running scared! The following weekend our guests were happy to sleep on the blow up beds. There was no way Zoe could now cope alone.

I would like to pay tribute to my wonderful and patient husband. I marvel at God's wisdom in seizing the opportunity of husbands absence to move in our new family. However this did leave me with the task of explaining the change in room use on the way back from Bristol airport. Pete had played a lot of hockey and consumed a fair amount of alcohol, I collected him at 1 am so he was also tired. I wasn't sure if he was deliberately not speaking or actually sleeping in the car coming home. After 18 months of my mum staying, several of Simon's friends in need of a place to stay, the odd homeless au pair...and now a family of three indefinitely. Welcome home Pete.

Two days later he still had not commented so I just reeled off all the reasons why there was no other option. Blah blah blah and more blah..disabled mum...dying child...big sister...no where to go...

I left him quietly contemplating as I went off to drive the boys to school, with Rheanna. After ten minutes I got a text saying "I love you, and they are welcome to stay for as long as they want to". Hallelujah, I love the fact God chose me a husband that allowed me to be the person God wanted me to be and to be able to follow my instincts if I felt God saying "do this or do that" knowing I could rely on Pete to understand and go with it no matter how crazy that idea was. Amazing husband.

Within 24 hours both Zoe and Willie had perked up no end. I realised Zoe's anxieties had been rubbing off on Willie, I also believe Willie thought our house was 'The airport to heaven'...which is also possibly why visitors started falling off later in the year. I dare not think of how long and how complicated it could get, there was a need, and we had been given all that we needed to meet that need, including a huge heart for our three lodgers, and an infinite amount of Grace to keep us all sailing along smoothly. All safe together in the Ark..the unknown  journey had really begun.

Mums the word - or was that nanny?

I never intended for this blog to be about me...but there are significant moments so closely entwined I hope I'm forgiven for sharing my experiences to.

My lovely mum was living with us in 2007 following the sad death of my stepfather in 2005 and her diagnosis of terminal cancer. An inspiration to us all she taught us how to live and give thanks one day at a time. We all enjoyed her bubbly company and enthusiasm for enjoying the moment without complaint or fear. I was guilty of waining a bit in my faith and dreaded the meeting with her consultant when she delivered a 'time' frame. I couldn't bear the thought of my mums face as her 'sentence' was delivered.

For this reason I confess (I never did tell my mum or my brother eek) that I prayed to God he would take her gently whilst she slept so she wouldn't have to face death head on. This was crazy as every morning for 18 months I took in her cup of tea with bated breath...had my prayers been answered? Thankfully again and again she greeted me with a chirpy "good morning".


On her 67th birthday on 4/9/2007 the consultant said 'it'...the moment had arrived..."I'm sorry your liver has failed..it is no longer functioning..you are too ill for chemotherapy...

I knew from previous experience of friends relatives that this would probably give her a maximum of 2 weeks. My mum did not break down..I did (after she had walked back to the car with my brother).
My ultimate fear had not been realised, mum smiled peacefully, thanked Jane her consultant for all her help and support and prepared to say goodbye.

 Taken aback by mum's serene and accepting composure, Jane exclaimed.."of course if you feel a bit
better next week do give me a call. How hard a job these consultants have, Jane had kept mum going 2 years beyond the original diagnosis and anticipated 3 months survival. In our eyes she had excelled in her care and compassion, and yet sadly the moment had arrived when she could help no longer. Amazing consultants, we were very fortunate to have had excellent experiences with all that mum came into contact.

I needn't have worried...mum came home blew out her candles and continued to party for the next few days as friends and family in their droves came and went. There was much laughter, few tears and incredible peace. On the Friday morning bedridden and not eating (I actually think we forgot to feed her oops) she held my hand and said " I feel so weary Sue, After the visitors have gone I'll go if you don't mind."  "Sure mum I replied - you book your ticket". There was a sense of Peace beyond understanding, an acceptance that this was mum's time. Time for us to let go, and let God.

The visitors came and went, she telephoned my Uncle Ron who was on holiday abroad..friends and family prayed with her (I was slightly perturbed by the fact she preferred my best friends son to pray
with her rather than me!) the younger grandchildren went to bed, and at 1am ish with her three children and 3 of her elder grandchildren holding hands with her by candlelight, in her bedroom, we witnessed the most peaceful and beautiful passing from this life into the next. Even the doctor who had visited earlier to administer some strong pain killers when mum got uncomfortable, came in to certify her death, said gently"something very special happened here tonight."

I miss my mum soooo much but I'm so glad that God did Not answer my prayers as my mum would have missed out on the most glorious party of her life...she had overwhelming peace and a huge desire to move on and leave the diseased body behind. God had greater plans than I,,,I've not suggested any ideas to Him since as I've realised He has much better ones than me. This increased my faith, giving me a sense of Peace for Willies final journey. Although I could not imagine how The Lord could possibly make a young boys last few months palatable for any of us...

Wille had got to know and love my mum and called her nanny as if she belonged to him. My mum, knowing Wille had been given just a few months, promised Zoe she would look out for him when it was his time..obviously not in earshot of Wille. On the Saturday morning I went round to Zoe's to break the sad news. Willie and Rheanna were quite happy with my explanation of nanny going to
Heaven and resumed play very quickly as young children do. Thankfully to young to grasp the death concept in its entirety - well that's what I thought.

However that night in the bath Willie freaked out his mum by having an imaginary phone call to 'nanny', in Heaven, asking her what the food was like and concluding with "I'll see you soon". Ouch.

Zoe wasn't too sure if this was deeper than the usual calls and tried to smile and not read to much into it. The telephone calls continued always finishing with "I'll see you soon nanny." Then he progressed
to asking Zoe questions..."When you die mummy can you hold onto someone...when I die mummy can I hold on to you?"

Poor Zoe, it really threw her, but she promised he could hold on to her if he was dying. He never showed any fear or confirmed he thought he was dying, but lots pointed to the fact that he had a sixth sense that time was running out. For all the very many that can remember Willie and how much he adored his mum, never wanting to leave her side unless me or someone else in his top 10 was available to take her place. Yet profoundly he totally understood without any explanation that he would be going to Heaven solo. Knowing this he accepted it wholly and without question. I found this fact alone truly remarkable and so very insightful. He was happy to leave his mum as I believe Jesus had reassured him it would be until she too joined him when it was her time.

For those aware of his separation anxieties you will understand what I mean by how incredible it was that Willie had that Blessed assurance he would be ok...maybe Jesus promised him he would be with nanny. As I said God is awesome in His planning every detail to perfection. Willie had total trust in The Lord without any doubt following the passing of my mum.

For a while he spoke less of Heaven and continued to enjoy life, school days continued without too much fuss. I'm can't remember who arranged the tractor visit to St Marks, or exactly when this adventurer took place,  but one of the parents tipped up with the biggest tractor I had ever seen, driving it into the relatively small playground.

We knew it was due to arrive, but it was to be a surprise for Willie. We stood outside quietly waiting. His excitement soon bubbled over when he heard the tractors engine chugging closer and closer. That boy knew the sound of every type of farm vehicle and he started shouting "There's a tractor.There's a tractor."

 Imagine his joy when it stopped next to us and we led him carefully to the tractor. His face was beaming as we put his hand on the huge wheels, and then Zoe climbed aboard and held out her hand to help her son up. Sitting Willie on the very kind lady's lap, she let him steer the tractor round the playground...bearing in mind he was a totally blind 7 year old by now I'm not sure the health and safety regulations were being adhered to. There was riotous applause as the whole school had come out to witness 'Willies moment' - and among the teachers and staff not a dry eye in the playground...it was the highlight of Willies school career...and we are eternally grateful to Max's wonderful mum that came and made his dream come true.

The face says it all!

This was just the beginning of his adventures, no 'fading' away by the fun loving Willie Foster Horton was going to be done sedately. Praise God!

Not sure this passed the Health and Safety requirements!

Faith...what's faith...just a few thoughts not a whole sermon!

Life and death...the two guarantees in life for each and everyone of us. Well to be honest that's not entirely true as many who have been conceived do not know life outside their mothers womb...we had a little son that by-passed life as we know it and went direct to Heaven. When I was cuddling our little boy to say goodbye after he was stillborn - God spoke clearly to my heart.."Your time is not now but your time will be."

That was an enormous comfort to me and I look forward to saying Hi Ben...and watching him run to me with open arms calling "mum". Well this is my picture of Heaven, I dream of it often and it chokes me up..but I cannot even begin to imagine how it actually works and in what form we will be, but I do know that our souls will be together forever. It also gave me hope that if we were to be reunited with our son when it is our time, then surely that also applies to all the people you have loved on this earth..but then the complications and complexities of families is to great to imagine so as The Lord says in Isaiah 55 verse 8  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." Based on that I'm just going to trust that all will be good as He promises later in Revelation 21 verse 4 ""He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared." Therefore I am content to wait and see...I don't need to know the detail, and neither did Willie.

Imagine  trying to describe earth and colours, food, and people to a baby still in the womb? Exactly - so no point in anyone trying to describe the Heavenly realms. We can be assured of our place however if we believe in His son Jesus and the sacrifice He made on the cross so that we may be reconciled to God the Father. You may not share my take on that, you may have a different religion or are an atheist or agnostic. Whatever your beliefs or opinion it is certain that one day we will be somewhere else...'the hot place you don't get a suntan or Paradise' is how I felt led to describe our options a few years ago. You may have the belief that there is nothing at all beyond life. I respect every angle you may be coming from...the journey I'm going to share with you of a 7 year old with
special needs who would only take in 'bogey, digger and f***ting stories will be perhaps a little alien if you do not have a faith in Jesus.

Faith is believing in something we cannot see. We cannot see love but we feel and see the effects of love. We cannot see the wind but we can feel and see the effects of it. Both of these can be gentle, and both turbulent...God is Love ..we cannot see Him but we can feel His presence and see the effects of prayer, His Grace and His mercy.  He is steadfast and true, never changing like the wind, but holding us in the palm of His hand, walking with us in this fallen world. Gently leading us to eternity - however long and difficult the road may be.

Whilst reading these blogs I want to assure you that Willies faith was from deep within, a real personal connection to Jesus, although he couldn't read his own name or ever read one word of the Bible Willie had a profound Wisdom beyond his young years, and capacity to absorb God's love and guidance.  Even if it had been my desire to read chapter and verse or give him a daily sermon ..he
would not have listened beyond the first two words. He was acutely aware of my faith and we did thank Jesus for buskers etc we had prayed for..but no real depth or complicated detail came from me.

He therefore blew me away several times with his deep understanding and immense desire to meet Jesus face to face. His story is inspiring, brave, and beyond our human understanding. The evidence of Gods Grace was there for us to witness daily towards the end, right up to the precious moment this little boys wish and heartfelt desire came true and he was granted his long awaited 'wings'.

I hope those who do not believe in God  will still enjoy the story of one so little and yet so very brave, and yield just a little of the comfort Willie found invaluable on his journey home.

Coming soon...

Hi lovely people following Willie's  journey with us. The last few posts have hopefully given you a sense of who Willie was, his complicated brain tumour, his family and some of the many friends that joined him and who's hearts were captured by this incredibly happy (mostly!) little boy.

If his bravery and determination to live a relatively happy life has not yet inspired you to smile whatever life deals you, then fasten your seat belts as I'm going to embark on what I remember as a poignant enlightening few months...from when Willies parents were told by the consultants that there was no more they could do for this young man. I remember hearing the words.."He will just fade away".

'Fade away?' What? How do people 'fade away'. It was August 2007.

Zoe his mum was determined that Willie would never be aware of what was in store. She cheerfully continued to deliver a daily menu of fun activities, a life embracing love and laughter all the way within the limits of his condition. Willie on the other hand evidently knew in his heart that his time on earth was limited...and thus begins this incredible young soul's 'journey of faith' that taught me so much - including how to pray simply and beautifully.

Willie Foster-Horton it is a privilege to finally share your incredible relationship with Jesus..as you waited for 'your wings to fly to Heaven'. For any of you who fear passing from this life to the next, if you have lost a child, or a loved one, if you know someone who is sadly 'terminal'....may this brave boys heart and strong desire to spend an eternity with God in Heaven give you a sense of comfort. It is for this reason I believe his story should be shared. I have meant to tell this incredibly moving tale for so long...it would be criminal not to.

To live 8 years all but 2 weeks....there has to be a purpose...his mum agreed with that to, although Zoe does not have the same Faith she believes in Willies Faith, as the evidence was overwhelming.

I'm hoping to have the opportunity to 'blog,blog,blog over the next few days as I've got a few days off
Work, and hoping for a few 'cafe slots' whilst the boys enjoy boys stuff!

So many people were with us on the 'final countdown' - it was an incredibly Blessed time. I hope you will be truly Blessed as you journey with them and Willie through these next few blogs...

I pray that I will do this young man the justice he deserves and you will understand just what a brave little soldier my 'little best buddy' was.